Another writing on my grief process, 2 months later. One of Paul’s favorite things was making syrup from the Sugar Maple trees in Vermont.
I notice that Paul’s personality is very similar in ghost form as in life. We are very different in our approach to life. I am slower, trust intuitively in right timing and the healing process. I need a lot more processing time and acknowledgement for my emotions. He still loves to fix things, make them better, make me better. Paul loves to be of service and take care of stuff as soon as possible.
My friend, Liz, helped me bring through some messages from Paul recently. Paul told me to drink more water, breathe more, rest more, sing, and meditate. Yes. I knew this already but it was a good reminder. I appreciated this communication. I guess.
I was still resisting my communication with him. Sometimes, I was just pissed off.
Then, he told me he was having a hard time reaching me. Could I not grieve so much so he could comfort me? My grief was getting in the way of him helping me or reaching me and creating spiritual relationship. There were times when I thought of him and I would collapse in a puddle of tears.
Okay. Stop grieving you?
After the communication, I steamed and cursed him.
Fuck you, Paul!
You just leap-frogged into enlightenment. I am still here in a physical body. Remember that. I have a body that grieves whether I want it to or not. There is a grieving process I need to allow. It courses through in its own timing.
And, the worst thing I could do was suppress my emotions. I’ve done that my whole life. No way. I need to feel everything, no matter how hard that is.
As you know, I am slower than you. I can’t just fix this. You can’t either. It’s not that easy. Even if you see that it is. I’m the one embodied here.
I stewed and steamed and cursed him all day and into the night. It was a full blown out fight. I fought with Paul, a ghost. Or maybe just with myself.
We had our conflicts in our time together. They were always really productive as we worked things out and focused on communication and our mutual needs.
And… How dare he say this to me! Fuck you. You left.
You are like a bad boyfriend who breaks up with you by moving to the other side of the world. You never see or hear from them again. You don’t know what happened. What went wrong.
Of course, this is my pissy little story I told myself to bring humor to hard pain.
The next day, I surrendered.
Okay, I am willing to let go of my stubbornness and approach his suggestions with an open mind. I got what I needed to say off my chest. That felt good. I Spoke up. It felt good to be angry and loud.
After all, Paul taught me that it was okay to speak up and say what I needed. He was strong and healthy enough for me to stand strong in my own will and bounce off him. To be with him was a refreshing change from my usual over concern about the needs of others.
Anyway, I did the meditation he suggested of holding my left hand over my heart and my right palm open resting on the top of my head. I was to intent to open my crown and heart chakras and welcome his presence, love, and light.
I did this and was gifted with a flood of light-filled grace. I felt Paul with me… within my body and energy. His spirit merged with mine. I was not over-come by grief. I could hold it and let it flow freely without being attached to the form of his presence.
This practice reminded me of a time when I missed my son terribly. Wells was grown up, and I missed being with him. I stood in the pine forest one day feelings sadness and longing for him.
Then, I asked Spirit to bring me the energetic frequency of what I needed most. Whatever this energy was that I received from Wells. Maybe it was a quality, a feeling of love, a special spiritual signature.
Whatever it was, I received it. I was filled with a light that satisfied my longing. I feel held in the grace of love and no longer missed him. It even carried over through time. This was an amazing experience. I felt a spiritual relationship anchor deeper with Wells. My craving for his physical presence dissipated.
As a flower essence and vibrational energy healer for several decades, this is the same process. Inviting energies needed into the body for healing and balance. It really works if you allow it to be true.
With Paul, I invited him to be with me. He merged with me. I felt his presence and love.
Since then, the heaviness of my grief has lessened substantially.
I had a moment of tears listening to a sad song before I wrote this today. Although, it did not feel like it had the energy of attachment. I’ve freed up some need for him.
I know I need to allow my process and honor it. I want to allow the length of time I truly need for my grief. I’m sure there is more to experience and learn. Yet, I also see how easy it is to keep our loved ones around when they need to move forward on their spiritual path, on the other side.
I think I have been a little too concerned to not hold Paul’s journey back. Maybe that gave me more vigilance in honoring my process.
I know what I am experiencing is a huge shift of form from a physical, earth relationship into a spiritual relationship. Yes, I miss his hugs, kisses, touch, and sex terribly. And, I must accept what is. Spirit knows what is meant to be.
I am not in control here, dang it. All I get to do is respond to what is in a good way.
Yesterday, I read from a book my dear friend, Elyssa, gave me: The Essential Sri Anandamayi Ma by Alexander Lipski. Anandamayi was an Indian Saint who lived 1896-1982. She explains that eventually all human attachments must be given up.
“Anandamayi Ma also warned Her devotees not to indulge in excess mourning at the time of bereavement, because this can be an obstacle to the spiritual progress of both the deceased and the survivor. The soul of the deceased is being kept earthbound by the thoughts of the mourner, while the survivor increases his matter-attachment. He should also remember that the Atma (Self) does not die, and that the other person’s and his Atma are one. Above all man should not cry for a loss of a body but rather cry for God. Of course, it is human to shed tears at the death of a loved one but the loss must not paralyze one’s vitality: It’s a man’s duty to remain steady and calm under all circumstances, and to pray only for the welfare of the soul.”
This passage related to what I was experiencing with Paul and I found it important to consider as I made progress into more emotional mastery. It also held true for one more message from Paul. He said: Do not grieve me. I am happy!