Note: This post is a personal post to move through the passing of my boyfriend of one year Paul on Monday, November 2nd.
I’m going through my first really hard day of grief from the passing of Paul, my beloved. I am drumming, moving, and keening loudly. It’s the only way to move it through. (Sorry neighbors!)
This primal passage clutches my heart in waves and then crashes into the shore and dissipates. Then another wave.
I’ve done grief before. It can be dark without hope or relief. This time I feel Whole underneath and between. Even laughter and joy. Because Paul and I came into relationship as whole people. The grief volunteer said I may feel like I am ripped in two. I don’t feel that. I am whole. And I am moving through a super hard passage —my body is taking me through. I’m trusting it to take where I am going … into what I am becoming.
I ask Paul to come to me. I pick an oracle card:
The KISS. A cosmic kiss from beyond.
As I grieve and pray I realize I must cherish myself the way he cherished me. Every morning he kissed me and said “Good Morning Beautiful.” This morning I say to myself: “Good Morning Beautiful” Somehow Paul knew what I needed most. In every action and gift and loving support he offered. Even when it was hard for me to receive all his attentions!
He is me now. I am him.
What he did for me I now do for myself.
I ask for connection to his Spirit. I feel his Spirit expansive, huge, light, love. He is in Love. In love with all of Creation. One with all of Creation.
I still miss him so.
I don’t feel his small focus on me as an individual anymore… but me as part of the One that we all are. I am letting my ego attachment to his new love. His Love is now too big to be contained. It beams out of verwhete and fills the Sky.
Thanks for all the love and prayers. I feel all of you and the spirit helpers. I am flooded with light. I know my heart and soul are breaking open to more light.
I find it helpful to read other people’s stories of grief to move through my own. I am sharing posts on my process of grief on my Facebook page and here in this blog if you want to friend me or sign up to receive this blog via email.